I'm depressed about work right now. I swear I think I must have "that time of the month" like girls do. I have no other explanation for my weird moodiness that has apparently no logical cause. I feel pissy, irritated, and like the world is conspiring against me. But of course it isn't -- so why do I feel that way? I feel as though my V.P. has it out for me and wants me fired. But there is no evidence of that. I hate my job and want to just retire. But I know I won't be happy doing that either, so I just need to ride this stupid mood out.
And take a vacation.
I'm heading to Las Vegas Sunday and going for a few days. I'm heading there alone, in my Benz. It was so long ago I was last in Vegas, that instead of the Strip there were snakes, not tourists; and sand not asphalt (kidding, I'm not THAT old). And definitely no Excalibur, Luxor, Paris, Pyramids or buried Kings.
What I really want to do right now is get stoned and forget about the world. Forever. Finito. Termino. But since I don't smoke or do drugs, I'll just mope.
With all the great weather of the last few weeks, and Spring in the air everywhere, thoughts of New York were far from my mind. Until this morning.
I got an email from my friend E. that I wrote about a year or so ago. I met him while living at my beachfront apartment in Santa Monica. He's in his late 20's, Italian, and HOT. We had, shall I say, a "playful" relationship. He was the only person who helped me move to my new condo in WEHO. He took off for New York shortly after that and we lost touch with each other. He was the guy who inspired me to get my Mercedes, and take acting classes.
Apparently he's in an off-broadway play in new york and he's playing a part where he is NAKED! Watch out New York! and HELLO New York! Now I HAVE to go to New York so I can see my friend naked (on stage). ;) Thinking of him, I actually think I miss the guy. Yeah, I do miss him. <sigh>
"Ok - I am about a third of the way through The Power of Now, struggling with it mightily, but a thought occured to me about the concept. I wrote an email to someone saying that I was looking forward to tomorrow. I wonder if you're really in the Now, do you not look forward to things? Do you hope for things? Because if all you have is NOW, then why think about the future?
- you must have all the answers! I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU!!!
My response:
We all look forward to things, but if we are always looking forward or looking back, then we are never in the now and never really enjoy what's happening.... or so the concept goes. So if you're looking forward to tomorrow, then when tomorrow comes are you looking forward to the next day? Tomorrow never comes. Now is all we have. It is always here. bla bla bla.
I have a "lite" version of the book if you want to borrow that. It's the same concepts by the same author but it is in more bite size pieces. Do you want to borrow that?
But for now, do this little exercise. Stop what you are doing. Close your door and sit quietly and use all your senses. Pay attention to what you hear, see, smell, taste, feel. If you are paying attention to all of your senses, then it forces you to be in the now. If you are thinking about tomorrow, you aren't noticing the bird flying by your window. You don't notice the cool air from the air conditioner, or hear the door slamming down the hall. If all that is hard to do then turn inward. What are you feeling? Don't judge your feelings or resist them, just observe them. Do you feel anxious? Afraid? Bored? Just notice what you feel and don't judge or resist anything. Observe. Sometimes doing that alone can help you understand why you may be having difficulties staying present.
If all that fails, just say my name three times. "Myname" "Myname" "Myname". Then you'll find yourself transcending the Heavens and you'll be face to face with Bliss and eternal Nowness. <this is a joke, for those of you who don't know me> duh.
I don't talk much about my employer. But today I will. But I will do so in veiled terms, and will occasionally srcmalbe my words in order to avoid certain search engines.
Today I attended a wokroshp on Dvirtisy in the workplace. I was very curious to hear what would be said in light of the fact that my employer "lwafully" dircsiminates against gay people. The keynote speaker was an expert in dviirstiy and bais reduction.
Her definition of Bais was "an ifnlexible beleif aobut a particular category of people." The title, humorously enough, was "Seeing Straight: The Thinking Perosn's Giude to Bais Rdeuction."
The speaker was good and made some very good points and opened the minds of the audience. I could tell she had altered her regular presentation to fit my employer's preferences. She had deleted references and cases of non-discrimination against gays. She concluded her presentation and everyone applauded.
After the break our very own HR dpartmneet played some silly game where if you got the correct answer you win a prize.
The very first question, following the very good, enlightening presenation on dvirsity and bias reduction in the workplace, was:
"Who can name 4 classes of people who are protected from discrimination <here at company xyz>?" (read: Who knows which class of people are not protected from discrimination?)
Answer: Persons of color, age, sex, or disability.
Not protected: sexual orientation.
So my employer, not so subtly, stated to all the people present that, although we have seminars on Dvirsity and non-bais in the workplace, do not forget that gay people are not a protected class of citizens here, and those who are gay have no resources available to them and should not expect they will be treated with equality."
The next set of questions had to do with what resources were available to those "protected classes" (and ONLY those protected classes) if they felt discriminated against.
Fcuk You xyz cmoapny!
Now don't get me wrong. I'd say the same thing about my own family members if they were homophobic. My company, as concerned as I am that they are discriminatory and homophobic, they are sort of like my family. My extremely dysfunctional family. The family who has reunions and dinners and I don't show up, family. But nevertheless.
May ignorance, bigotry and intolerance of all kinds be obliterated from this Earth.
I am destined to sit on the riverbank awaiting words from the naked trees and brittle flowers that have lost their nectar. A thousand unblinking eyes stare out across the water from the other side. Their mute voices seek rewards of another kind. Their demure smiles leave me hollow.
Am I a perpetual stranger to myself? (The thought brands me numb.) Am I an orphan trailing pale shadows that lead to a contemptuous mirror? Where are these gossamer wings that my destiny foretold? I am waiting for the river to deliver them to me; to lodge them on the embankment at my feet.
My feet are shackles from another time. My head, a window long closed to another place. Yet, there are places that salvage the exquisite tongue and assemble her wild light like singing birds the sun. I have seen these places among the stillness of the other side. Calling like a lover's kiss to know again what I have known before; to reach into the Harvest and leave my welcome.
These thoughts are folded so neatly they stare like glass eyes fondling the past. I listen for their guidance but serpentine fields are my pathway. When I look into the dark winds of the virtual heart I can hear its voice saying: "Why are you trapped with wings?" And I feel like a grand vision inscribed in sand awaiting an endless wind.
Will these wings take me beneath the deepest camouflage? Will they unmask the secret measures and faithful dwellings of time? Will they search out the infinite spaces for the one who can define me?
Wings are forgotten by all who travel with their feet. Lines have been drawn so many times that we seldom see the crossing of our loss though we feel the loss of our crossing. We sense the undertow of clouds. The gravity of sky. The painless endeavor of hope's silent prayers. But our wings shorn of flight leave us like newborn rivers that babble over rocks yearning for the depths of a silent sea.
I have found myself suddenly old. Like the blackbirds that pour from the horizon line, my life has soared over this river searching for my wings. There is no other key for me to turn. There is no other legend for me to face. Talking to flowers and gnarled trees will only move me a step away ñ when I really want to press my face against the windowpane and watch the WingMakers craft my wings.
In a recent blog I talked about having a feeling that you absolutely know something to be true but it flies in the face of reality, etc. I mentioned I had some dreams that I knew had to be true. Like flying. Well that one will be pretty hard to prove. But I've had dreams about real life that I felt were true but had no way of proving them. One such dream that has bothered me for a long time is one I had about my niece. It bothered me because the dream seemed so strong, so much like it was calling to me. Insisting that it was true. The dream was that my niece was pregnant. I felt very strongly that this meant she was either pregnant now or would be. Well this happened a few years ago, and she is/was single and with a steady boyfriend. And she still has not been pregnant that I knew of. Well, this weekend at a family gathering I turned to my niece and asked her point blank
Me: "did you get an abortion?"
Niece: Yes.
Me <with incredulity> "When?"
Niece: When I was 18.
I said "I KNEW it!" and felt vindicated. Then suddenly I'm the bad guy. All my family members were telling me how awful I was to ask such a question, and that it was none of my business. I tried to explain how important this was for me to know the truth, and that I was trying to figure out my "gifts" and I felt so certain this was so, and although it must have been difficult and painful for her, it helps me so much to finally know.
I'm starting to trust my intuition more.
There was the dream, some of you may recall it, where I dreamed of my Dad the very same time he died. I saw in my dream how he was dying. He had been reaching out to me (in waking life) before he died by calling my office (I was not there, I was asleep at home). When he died, or while he was dying, I dreamed about how he was having a bladder problem, and was choking. I got the call a couple hours later that he had passed away. At work I found his voice message urging me to call home immediately.
I had another dream about another family member that felt very real too. But this one I may not confirm for a very long time. It was that one of my sister's husbands had an illegitimate child. Hmmmm.
And two of the most powerful, unforgettable dreams I've had are global in nature and I hope they are not true, but feel quite strongly they are. Both dreams had to do with the destruction of the San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles, which houses over 2 million? people. One dream was the future and the valley had been destroyed but already built up again with new infrastructure and tall buildings. This future was so far out there that cars were flying by then. In my dream, and afterwards I always assumed it was the "big one", the big earthquake predicted to hit southern California. But the other dream I had was the valley was actually being destroyed by fire, by intense heat almost like volcanic lava, or a nuclear explosion. In either case, the valley is destroyed either by a huge earthquake or by a nuclear bomb (or volcano?).
If that isn't a reason to move to New York, I don't know what is!
But speaking of New York, the weather has been so good here in CA, that I've stopped thinking about that for now. I've found a better route to work that is less stressful, if not shorter. And besides, I've not heard back from the places I applied. If I do, I'll go interview, but I have no idea if I'd really go to New York and start a new life there.
All I know is that I hope I'm not anywhere in Los Angeles when the Big One hits, or when terrorists nuke the Valley.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004 :
All this talk about gay marriage and spirituality has things a little too serious. So I'm presenting you some eye candy, compliments of doublecool's Boy of the Week. This one is Caroricci:
Sometimes I have thoughts or dreams about things that I am absolutely convinced are true, even though evidence or "reality" suggest, or even demand, they are not. For instance, when I was young I was certain that I would never die. Many, if not all young people growing up thinking this. That's why young people drink and drive and speed, and have unprotected sex, and etc. They think they'll never die. Why do we have these feelings? Is it because the thoughts are not coming from our minds, but rather our consciousness, or spirit? Our consciousness that was before we were born, and that goes on after we die?
Another thing that I dream a lot is about flying. When I dream of flying it seems the most natural and real thing in the universe. When I dream of flying I am conscious of the fact that "people don't fly" and I realize that I might even be dreaming, but in my dream I am totally and utterly convinced that I really am, and really do, fly. I've even had dreams about teaching other people to fly. I even had a dream, with the same feeling of "this is really true" that I was flying and passing through solid matter. And teaching others to do it. Somehow, if one totally stills their mind, and thinks of nothing, you can pass through matter, or so the dream went.
And I've had premonitions or dreams about things that I am convinced are true, and when I ask people to confirm, they usually deny it (because it's usually private, sensitive stuff). But then later I very often have found that it was true.
And so I'm starting to trust my instincts more. When I feel strongly about something -- that it is true -- I'm trying to stick to my guns.
Even if it means other people think I'm crazy.
On a very subtle level, I think I have figured out why I love the movie The Matrix so much. Not because Keanu is so cute (although that helps), but because the whole concept of us living in a world of illusion feels true. But machines and computers have nothing to do with the world of illusion we live in. Spiritual Beings do. Or God. Or some big Something. And our unconscious consciousness is fully aware of it. Our true selves, who we are at the core, knows about the game. But we've purposely chosen to forget what we know, so we can fully participate in it. Reality as we've been taught to believe it, is not what it seems. I realize that lot's of people already know what I'm saying here, but for me, it is like I just woke up and suddenly I'm seeing the "man behind the curtain." And by writing about this awareness, am I breaking some sort of code or rules?
We're all eternal Beings, passing through this world of illusion (where we're taught that we are carnal and live once and die), who have chosen to forget what we know about Truth, so we can work at discovering it again, and can explore, learn, grow, evolve. We are all somehow spiritually connected to God, if not part of Him ourselves, and are transmitting our experiences back to Him (or Her or It, or WHATEVER) and He, We, are all evolving. Yeah, I guess I'm talking about reincarnation here? Yeah I guess, but more. As they talk about on Wingmakers.com, I believe we are all "God Fragments" -- part of God himself. And we'll all eventually be back together as One.
And so I'm thinking. If I'm God, then why the fuck do I get depressed, lonely, bored, and irritated with traffic? Why is it so hard for me to love someone? Why are relationships so hard? If I'm God, what am I supposed to do with that information? Thinking about this does not make me remember my past lives, or end my pain and suffering, or irritation with ignorant people. So what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Go back to sleep?
I guess for now I just need to be content that I'll never die, can fly, and there's only two more days 'til the weekend.
Today you called upon Congress to move quickly to amend the US Constitution, and set in Federal stone a legal definition of marriage. I would like to know why.
In your speech, you stated that this Amendment would serve to protect marriage in America, which I must confess confuses me. Like you, I believe in the importance of marriage and I feel that we as a society take the institution far too lightly. In my circle of family, friends and acquaintances, the vast majority have married and divorced -- some more than once. Still, I believe in marriage. I believe that there is something fundamental about finding another person on this planet with whom you want to build a life and family, and make a positive contribution to society. I believe that we need more positive role models for successful marriage in this country -- something to counteract the images we get bombarded with in popular culture.
When we are assaulted with images of celebrities of varying genres, be it actors, sports figures, socialites, or even politicians who shrug marriage on and off like the latest fashion, it is vitally important to the face of our nation, for our children and our future, that we have a balance of commitment and fidelity with which to stave off the negativity. I search for these examples to show my own daughter, so that she can see that marriage is more than a disposable whim, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
As a father, I'm sure you have faced these same concerns and difficulties in raising your own daughters. Therefore I can also imagine that you must understand how thrilled I have been over the past few weeks to come home and turn on the news with my family. To finally have concrete examples of true commitment, honest love, and steadfast fidelity was such a relief and a joy.
Instead of speaking in the hypothetical, I was finally able to point to these men and women, standing together for hours in the pouring rain, and tell my child that this is what its all about. Forget Britney. Forget Kobe. Forget Strom. Forget about all the people that we know who have taken so frivolously the pure and simple beauty of love and tarnished it so consistently. Look instead at the joy in the beautiful faces of Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon - 51 years together! I mean, honestly Mr. President - how many couples do you know who are together for 51 years? I'm sure you agree that this love story provides a wonderful opportunity to teach our children about the true meaning and value of marriage. On the steps of San Francisco City Hall, rose petals and champagne, suits and veils, horns honking and elation in the streets; a celebration of love the likes of which this society has never seen.
This morning, however, my joy turned to sadness, my relief transformed into outrage, and my peace became anger. This morning, I watched you stand before this nation and belittle these women, the thousands who stood with them, and the countless millions who wish to follow them. How could you do that, Mr. President? How could you take something so beautiful -- a clear and defining example of the true nature of commitment -- and declare it to be anything less? What is it that validates your marriage which somehow doesn't apply to Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon? By what power, what authority are you so divinely imbued that you can stand before me and this nation and hold their love to a higher standard?
Don't speak to me about homosexuality, Mr. President. Don't tell me that the difference lies in the bedroom. I would never presume to ask you or your wife how it is you choose to physically express your love for one another, and I defy you to stand before Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon and ask them to do the same. It is none of my business, as it is none of yours, and it has nothing to do with the "sanctity of marriage." I'm sure you would agree that marriage is far more than sexual expression, and its high time we all started focusing on all the other aspects of a relationship which hold it together over the course of a lifetime. Therefore, with the mechanics of sex set aside, I ask you again -- what makes a marriage? I firmly believe that whatever definition you derive, there are thousands upon thousands of shining examples for you to embrace.
You want to protect marriage. I admire and support that, Mr. President. Together, as a nation, let us find and celebrate examples of what a marriage should be. Together, let us take couples who embody the principles of commitment, fidelity, sacrifice and love, and hold them up before our children as role models for their own futures.
Together, let us reinforce the concept that love is about far more than sex, despite what popular culture would like them to believe.
Please, for the sake of our children, for the sake of our society, for the sake of our future, do not take us down this road. Under the guise of protection, do not support divisiveness. Under the guise of unity, do not endorse discrimination. Under the guise of sanctity, do not devalue commitment. Under the guise of democracy, do not encourage this amendment.
Thank you for writing about the Federal Marriage Amendment, a proposed constitutional amendment which would require that marriage in the United States consist only of the union between a man and a woman. I appreciate your taking the time to share with me your thoughts.
In my view, enacting such a measure would overstep the role of Congress by interfering with States constitutional authority to legislate in the area of family law. The issue of marital union has always been, and I
believe should continue to be a State right and responsibility.
Thank you again for sharing your views on marriage with me. If you should have any further comments or questions, please do not hesitate to call my Washington, DC staff at (202) 224-3841, or visit my website at http://feinstein.senate.gov.
Sincerely yours,
Dianne Feinstein
United States Senator
http://feinstein.senate.gov
Further information about my position on issues of concern to California and the Nation are available at my website http://feinstein.senate.gov. You can also receive electronic e-mail updates by subscribing to my e-mail list at http://feinstein.senate.gov/issue.html.
Thank you for contacting me to express your opposition to H.J.Res. 56, a proposed amendment to the Constitution that would bar same-sex marriages. I appreciate knowing we share the same view on this issue.
Initiatives against gay marriage do nothing to preserve the institution of marriage, but serve to fan the flames of intolerance and prejudice. I strongly opposed and voted against the "Defense of Marriage
Act," which was signed into law in 1996 (P.L. 104-199). I am also a cosponsor of H.R. 2677, the "State Regulation of Marriage is Appropriate Act," which would repeal the federal statutory definition of "marriage" and
"spouse." You can count on me to work hard against H.J.Res. 56, which originated as a misguided and mean-spirited response to the U.S. Supreme Court's landmark decision in Lawrence v. Texas striking down state laws
seeking to criminalize private consensual sexual behavior between adults, and is now being used to undermine state and local efforts to recognize gay unions.
For more about my work in Congress, or to sign up for periodic e-mail updates, please visit my website at www.house.gov/waxman.
Again, thank you for contacting me and please be in touch on all matters of concern.
At this very moment I feel New York calling to me. I ran across a job posting that I was qualified for, started thinking about applying for it, and now before I knew what hit me, I'm contacting friends in New York, checking air flights, and asking everyone I know what living in New York is like. I updated my resume, wrote a cover letter and I'm very close to sending it off into cyberspace.
WHY am I doing this (I ask myself with incredulity)? I do crazy shit like this. Seven years ago when I was coming out to friends and family I did something similar. I left a good job from my current employer because it is not a safe place to come out. It still isn't safe to come out -- thus this silly anonymous blog about being gay. I'm getting tired of living in fear about getting found out and maybe even getting fired. My employer is getting more vocal about their stand on issues that I am on polar opposites sides with. My employer is biased towards women and gays, among other things (which I can't say here).
And so back to seven years ago. I applied for a six-figure job in San Francisco and much to my surprise I got it. Five years later I was burned out and half-dead (and just as broke as before I left) and returned (although more enlightened and comfortable with myself as a gay person) to my same employer. This time my current boss and several coworkers know I'm gay and it seems cool. No six figures, but that was fine, I can live on a budget. BUT.
What I need to think through is this:
What is more important: Finishing what I've started (the project I'm committed to running which will run another 3-4 years); or getting myself into a working environment that is conducive and friendly to me. The employer I am applying to has a commitment and vision for civil equality, non-discrimination, and wants to make a difference in the world and this country. The head of the organization is a former Democratic senator from a conservative state.
What if the new job doesn't work out? Do I come running back with my tail between my legs to my current employer again?
Can I afford to live in NY?
My best friend S. heard I was doing this and he commented "well, if anyone can make something like this happen it is you." And that is both true and what scares me. I know I can make this happen. But is it what should happen? I hear voices like "go for it! you only live once!," "what's the worst that could happen?" "you're crazy dude! when are you ever gonna settle down someplace for more than a couple years?" and so on.
I feel like there are two, unfortunately opposite, "right" things to do.
The "right" thing to do would be to see my current job and project through to the end. It will be good for my career, and I'll be proud of what I accomplish. I'll have time to finally put down roots in a community, which is what I've wanted to do over those five years I was on the road and could not. This is also the "safe" thing to do.
The "right" thing to do would be for me to leave an employer who thinks in its heart that "who I am" is an abhorrence and sick. That I am a disgrace to society and the world. That I do not have the same rights as heterosexuals do. That I am less than whole and not as good as "they" are. It would be right for me as a person to leave an employer who if they knew I was gay would deny me any further promotions and discourage my personal and professional growth. This is also the "scary" and "risky" thing to do.
Two rights. Which one is best?
I know one thing. It is too early to know what is best. I will apply for the position and see if I get any responses. I will visit my friends who have offered to let me stay with them in New York and I'll check out the city. I'll interview with the employer if they invite me to do so. If they offer me a job? Well then I need to make some serious decisions. But until then, I'm moving ahead on this one step at a time.....
Memorable moments for me from the Academy Awards (better late than never?):
Billy Crystal's saggy tits -- I can't believe he was willing to show that body to the world!
Billy referring to Johnny Depp as "the sexiest man alive" who played a "slightly gay pirate."
"Kindness and success are not mutually exclusive" -- Renee Z quoting Tom Cruise
Bob Hope's tribute <sniff>
Someone saying "Smiegel jumped out like the right boob of Janet."
Someone jesting (refering to the competiveness of the Best Picture contest) that Peter Jackson woke up and found Seabisket's head in his bed.
Peter Jackson's mom and dad's names are the same as my mom and dad's
Adrian Brody was hot, I wanted him to kiss ME.
Billy referring to Robin Williams (while pretending to expose his nipple) as "the reason we have the 5-second delay."
I loved the show this year!
My favorite moment in a comercial was for Jet Blue http://jetblue.com/, when a handsome blonde boy, dressed as a baggage carrier said coyly, "When people fly, they expect their bags to go with them."
Remember where Clint Eastwood sat in the aisle seat? Count four rows back and that is my seat at the Kodak for the season of musicals. Next performance is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on April 17th.
Please, use our newest commercial to help educate your friends and family about the more than 1,000 rights that come with marriage. Click here to view ad.The file will take a few seconds to load - thank you for your patience.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004 : LA.Com liked my pictures of the cute little homorerotic Hobbits and gave me a reference from their site, so I'm adding them to my blogroll! Here's what LA.Com has to say about my hometown of West Hollywood:
Thanks Wonderboy for pointing me to this site. I took the Country quiz, but did not like being Texas, so I took the Book quiz and liked the results better!
You're The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe!
by C.S. Lewis
You were just looking for some decent clothes when everything changed
quite dramatically. For the better or for the worse, it is still hard to tell. Now it
seems like winter will never end and you feel cursed. Soon there will be an epic
struggle between two forces in your life and you are very concerned about a betrayal
that could turn the balance. If this makes it sound like you're re-enacting Christian
theological events, that may or may not be coincidence. When in doubt, put your trust
in zoo animals.
Formerly "A Day in the life of a Gay Guy", I've changed the name to reflect more of how I'm thinking. Being Gay is not the focal point of my life. I'm a guy with interests like everyone else, I just happen to be Gay.
