Saturday, April 24, 2004 :
I've decided I don't feel like playing. Now what does THAT say about me? It says I'm totally insecure, and I'd rather not play than have others decide they don't want to play with me. So there.
I'm off to see a movie. Alone.
My apologies to JEFFLA who asked me three questions. I'll answer you jeff, via email.
My broken toe is doing fine, but because of it I worked at home all week except one day. I have not attempted to drive but will try driving to work next week. In spite of the break, I managed to get two workouts in this week. At home. Obviously I did not do aerobics, but I did get a decent workout in.
Is it really Friday already? Wow, the week has flown by so fast. I'm not sure what I'm even going to do this weekend, other than maybe go see a movie, keep my foot propped up/iced, and watch tv and videos. I'd also like to go see Mommy Queerest, which is playing in WEHO for the last weekend.
Hey, I don't know what else to say. So have a good weekend!
Saturday was a day full of entertainment. I went to see the Alamo, which I thought was very good. Saturday night I went to the Kodak and saw "Joseph and the Technicolor Dream coat." Before the show and at Intermission, I had the pleasure of chatting with a hottie bartender who was so impressed with my guessing his height, weight and waist; he kept my wine glass full. He is 26, 5" 11", 28" waist, and 135 lbs. Gorgeous curly brown locks. And of course, an actor. It was very charming. He was charming. And no, I did not get his phone number. I figured he was being nice to me because that's what he's supposed to do at his job. I thanked him for the drinks and said I hoped to see him on the big screen. We did (it was assumed and not difficult to figure out) talk about gay stuff, like where he likes to go out. More and more when I meet nice people, NONE of them hang out in West Hollywood. ALL of them seem to prefer Silverlake. I keep saying I'm going to try out Silverlake, but never go. Mostly because it means I have to drive, and because I really have no idea where to go!
Unfortunately, I did not end the evening after the show. I'd already had too much to drink and then I WALKED to the FuBar, which is just outside of the distance any sane person would walk. And I wore a tank top with no jacket. And drank too much. It's a wonder I even found my way back home safely.
Sunday I woke up and felt strangely okay considering how much I'd drank the night before. But shortly after eating and showering, I was wandering toward the kitchen in my bare feet and I kicked the leg of a chair. And broke my middle toe on my right foot. Now ordinarily this would not be a big deal. I've broken three toes and sprained my ankle twice in the past 6 years, but this break was particularly painful, and frankly, frightening. ANY pressure on my foot shot a horrible pain through my foot. I could not walk. Driving was out of the realm of possibility. I talked to a nurse and she advised I go to Emergency mostly because of the severe pain. I called my mom. She could not help. She suggested I call my niece. I could not reach her. So I called my friend S. and he and the boyfriend rescued me. They drove me to the Cedar Sinai emergency room where they left me (they had to get somewhere). Turns out I have a "spiral fracture." The tow was broken at the base. Did I mention after I first broke it that it was bent in one direction and I forced it back and it made a snap noise? Yeah, ouch.
So I'm stuck at home for a few days. And no gym. Crap.
This accident made me realize how vulnerable I am living alone. And how few friends I have that I can call in an emergency. Is my lack of friends self-imposed? I could have more friends I suppose, but I find it really difficult to meet genuine, nice people. And once you do meet them, it is really hard work to make the relationships work! I have plenty of straight friends, but those aren't the kind of friends I really hang out with or would call when I need something. I really need more gay friends. When I was in San Francisco it was so much easier to meet people. I ended up with a small group of wonderful friends when I lived there. Friends I have to this day. But living in Los Angeles, West Hollywood, I've not made ANY new friends. Now THAT is sad. It either says something is very wrong with ME, or there is something wrong with LA. Having talked with a lot of people about this, I tend to believe it is LA. Jeez. But if it is me, I'm perfectly willing to admit that, and try to do something about it. Can you spell T H E R A P Y ?
I love working from home. I do that occasionally, and it's great. It saves me a couple hours of commute time, and I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Not that I don't work, I do, really. In fact when I work from home I actually get productive and working sooner than if I had gone into the office. This morning I was already working by 8 a.m. Most days I'm lucky if I make it to work by 8:30 or 9:00.
I took a break before lunch and headed to 24 hour fitness for a nice workout. When I returned I found that my Kitty had decided that my laptop computer that I left open was nice and warm. So he took a little nappy on the keyboards. Or that's what I assume. A big ball of fur on the keyboard, and the following evidence:
My screen resolution was completely resized
The computer was attempting to go into a user-induced hibernation mode
The mouse was disabled.
Mind you, what my cat did, I can not even do as a computer-literate human! In fact I have not been able to restore my settings back to the original. It cracks me up my Kitty is more computer literate than I am!
Sorry about the high resolution on the pictures. I'll be deleting most of these in a few days. From now on I need to remember to set the camera on a lower resolution for pictures I intend to post online!
As for the poem. I was, shall we say, in an "altered state of consciousness" when I wrote that, late Easter Sunday night.
Workout update. I worked out Thursday, Saturday and Monday. I've stepped up the workout to include another set of each exercise, per the schedule set by my trainer. I am definitely getting leaner. Looking in the mirror is not a bad thing anymore. And I'm my worst critic, believe me. I am however experiencing difficulties with my rotator cup on my shoulder. I need to be careful I don't injure it.
Sunday, April 11, 2004 :
Most of us slumber
wake up!
reality is not what you think it is
in fact it is not at all
what you think it is
WHATEVER!
i love you
you don't know me
but i know you --
we are one
WE are all evolving, becoming
as ONE
evolving, becoming, discovering
as for me, i'm ready to leave this world of discovery
ready to move on
to the next assignment
to the next lesson
as a Pisces, I hear that
this may be my last incarnation
as a human soul carrier
let it be soul. (smile)
so
okay?
really, truly,
Dear God, let me wake up and remember who I Am!
so I can make my next choice and
move on to what is more important
than what I'm doing in THIS life.
The next thing I do will be INFINITELY more
imortant than what I do now.
Saturday, April 10, 2004 :
I lost 4 lbs. while I was in Vegas. I'm down to 179 lbs. Yay.
Where do I begin? I need to begin with what happened after I got home. I decided to take another day off to recover from my vacation, and so called my boss to clear that. I went to the Bodi Tree bookstore on Melrose and decided to allow myself to be 'drawn' to a section of the store to find the next book I should read for my spiritual development. I was drawn first to a book "The Four Agreements" which I'd heard about from friends. So I glanced at it and definitely knew I had to buy it. I did and I've already finished it. AMAZING book! I'll share more later, but first I need to finish the Bodi story.
The next section of the store I went to I pulled a book that caught my eye and started glancing at it. Something to do with our Essence. While I was reading this, comfortably sitting in a chair, a lady got on the pay phone nearby. I could hear her whole conversation. I tried to ignore her, but her desperation and cries for help were compelling. She was apparently speaking with a counselor and telling her a story about how she and her girlfriend were in Tailand together and they broke up and her girlfriend comitted suicide. On video tape. She taped the whole death scene and in it blamed the girlfriend for the whole damn thing. What caught my attention the most though, was that the girlfriend was Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. This caught my attention because I had an ex boyfriend that was BPD. He nearly ruined my life. Drove me to insanity. I ended up on disability from work and the only thing that saved me in the end was he got caught stealing someone's credit cards and he went to jail. While he was in jail, I cleared my head from the spell I was under and got some healing. I took a trip to Paris, found a new job, moved, eventually found a new boyfriend, and now it's been 7 years ago. He's out of jail, but I have not been in touch with him.
So here's this poor lady who has been in the same freaky, trip of a relationship with a BPD, and I completely understand and empathize with her. I think to myself, as I read a book on Essence and how we create our own reality, and that all that happens to me is something that I somehow created or planned. And I'm listening to this lady and I"m certain I need to talk to her. To tell her about the resources she can turn to. Namely a book "Walking on Eggshells" which helped my understand what the disease was all about and made me realize I was not crazy, he was. And the web page bpd.org.
So after her conversation, with shaking and trepidation (I'm very shy and hesitate to get involved in other people's business) I said "excuse me -- maam?" and she turned to me and I told her I had been through a relationship with a BPD person. She was so happy I talked to her. She poured her heart out and told me the story again about how her girlfriend had killed herself, and how she herself had been driven to "6 psychotic episodes" due to this relationship and the craziness of it all. And I understood.
And so, two days later (today) we met at Erth on Melrose and talked. I listened and shared stories about my ex. And I hope I helped. This poor lady is so messed up. She is getting professional help, and I told her I was not a professional and I did not know what to tell her, but I think it helped that I understood, and that I was listening.
Then as I walked back home from Erth, I called my friend R. who happened to help build the wonderful set on Elton John's stage show that I just saw in Vegas, and he told me a story. He was moving out of the apartment where he'd been living with his ex, and they had a freaky episode. Violence, chairs flying, etc. The guy had been ripping him off, etc. I thought to myself, where do all these psychotic people come from? Is anyone normal anymore? Yikes.
Monday, April 05, 2004 :
Live, via satellite, from Las Vegas -- sin city.
I'm typing with my thumbs, so these posts will be brief.
Somehow it feels appropriate that as I type I sit below the apex of the pyramid of the Luxor. My hotel is the Excalibur, which again feels appropriate somehow -- it brings back memories of a visit to England's King Arthur country in Bude. But that's another story.
I arrived yesterday to an hour long checkin line. After settling in I "walked" to Caesar's Palace to see Elton John.
Crap - this is taking too long to type.
Abstract.
45 minutes to hike to Caesars. Arrived sweaty but on time. Orchestra seats excellent. Could almost touch Elton. Glass of wine fifteen bucks. Dinner at Paris. Bellagio water show UNBELIEVABLE.
Gamble at Excalibur. Dropped two big ones on blackjack. Picked up 3 big ones on Craps. Craps is the best odds if you know what you're doing.
Vegas filled with people like me -- people who drink, loves gaming, partying, and staying up all night for it all.
Formerly "A Day in the life of a Gay Guy", I've changed the name to reflect more of how I'm thinking. Being Gay is not the focal point of my life. I'm a guy with interests like everyone else, I just happen to be Gay.
