Los Angeles is a really tough place to live. The traffic sucks. People are really not that friendly. If you try to strike up a conversation with a stranger, they look at you like you are a freak or like you are going to steal from them. There are very few areas that feel like a community. Every person is an island, in their car, alone and separate from the rest of the world and reality. If I had not experienced other cities, particularly San Francisco, I would not have anything to contrast life in LA to. But it really is bad. I grew up here and so I have learned to deal with it, but LA must be such a horrible, lonely place for someone coming here to become famous or find a job, or start a life. What made me think of this was my ride home from work yesterday. It seemed like everyone on the road was in a fucking hurry, and everyone was pissed off at everyone else. Rude people. Cutting each other off. I heard on the radio this morning that a guy got shot at yesterday because he cut someone off on the freeway. How fucking sad it that? I blame it on our transportation system, or lack thereof. And lack of community.
However the weather here is amazing. I hear about all the bad weather everywhere, but it is great here. For example, last night after I got home, even though it's been "cold" here lately, I walked to the grocery store without a jacket on to buy some groceries. As I walked, I thought about how impossible it would be for me to do that in New York. Or most other places in the Northern Hemisphere. And I felt grateful. Even though I hated the commute home, for the weather I was grateful.
My company bought me a new cell phone. I also switched cell phone carriers (from ATT to Cingular). Cingular has a better signal for me at work and at home, and so now I find myself actually using my phone and leaving it on. The charge in my new phone lasts for what seems like forever, and so I am pleased.
That's about all I can muster up for today. Boring stuff, but that's the way it goes.
Thursday, January 22, 2004 :
I know this subject is getting old, but I stopped drinking. Again. It's been a few days, but I seem to have more of a resolve this time. I truly believe I have an addiction, and so this is not easy for me, but I've been doing well so far. I've started a new routine with my trainer and I can feel the fat falling off already, even though I've only done two workouts so far. We meet again this Saturday. When I remember the name of the workout, I'll write about it. But the focus is to build strength with the core first. I use a workout ball and do things on one leg, for instance. This is intense, and along with cutting out the alcohol, which slows my metabolism, I fully expect to take my physical fitness to a whole new level. I will weigh in Saturday, and I think I've lost a few pounds, but even if I haven't that's okay since I've only just started this new routine.
I've been doing more meditating, and trying to stay focused in the Now, in the moment, rather than stressing about the past or being anxious about the future. This is really helping me. In traffic, while standing in lines, I find myself much more patient, and at ease with myself and the world. It's a great stress management tool. I've learned so much from the book, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I would recommend it to anyone who wants a little spiritual enlightenment, and wants to be more at peace with themselves and the world.
Work is in a calm before the storm stage right now. This project that we've been planning for for what seems forever, will be kicking into high gear, which means long days, long hours, for several years for me. And a lot of work for a lot of people. All eyes will be on me and the progress of the project. It may be so much that I will have to break off blogging altogether. No time, and quite possibly "they may be watching" me.
I got past the depression. My friend S. was having a bunch of people over for his birthday Monday and I accepted. I'm very glad I did, because it helped me get through my depression. There was a total of six of us and I knew all of them. We had a few drinks at S.'s house then went out for Sushi. I had several comments about my attractive appearance. It's nice, because without those persistent compliments I would be even more down on myself. I don't see it personally, but when I get consistent feedback that I'm looking good, I begin to believe it, and when I look hard enough in the mirror, yes I see it.
I'm meeting with my personal trainer tomorrow for the first time in a long time. He says he has some fancy new routine that will make me into a God, so I'm gonna try it out and see what it's all about. Speaking of God, TGIF (well almost, I guess it's TGIT).
I'm going to the Kodak again this weekend and will see The Rat Pack. A very good friend of mine (G.) that I knew when I was living in San Francisco and his boyfriend are coming into town and we're getting together for dinner before the show. I am looking forward to seeing him! It's been forever since I've seen him.
I'm feeling very depressed. Please make it go away. Why am I like this? And to make things worse, yesterday I went to see House of Sand and Fog which was probably the most depressing movie I've ever seen. I had to close my eyes during several parts of the movie just so I would not be slimed by all the negativity and darkness of the movie. I know some people like movies that are dark and gloomy. But I definitely do not. I am way too sensitive and affected by movies and my environment, and so I try to watch only movies that are uplifting, inspiring, etc. I hated the movie.
I can't explain why I'm depressed. I am a guy who has everything going for him! I have no reason to be down. I have a great job, a condo in WEHO, friends, a loving kitty, good health. So what gives? I find myself being anti-social.
As I see it these are the potential contributing factors to my depression:
A chemical imbalance in my brain
I missed my calling and I'm too old to change careers now
I am doing nothing to make this world a better place
I have been wrapped up in pursuing materialism when that provides no satisfaction or peace
I'm single and alone in the world.
I drink too much.
All of the above.
None of the above.
Okay, back to work. I'll be fine. I feel better now that I've vented.
Saturday, January 10, 2004 :
Here's one that is totally out in left field. I was reading some of my old posts. I saw the one where I finally concluded my Dad had died the day after Pearl Harbor Day. It reminded me of the time when I was first coming out of the closet and I took my very first vacation where I was okay with being Gay. I went to Waikiki Hawaii. I had a blast. Symbolically, and very ironically, I got laid by a handsome young Japanese guy. On Pearl Harbor Day. Think about that. An American getting Fu**ed by a Japanese guy on Pearl Harbor Day.
Okay, here is the long promised Earthquake Story. It's a true story, and I am loathe to share it, because I fear that in the telling, it somehow gets cheapened, or it's power diminished.
There's a long version (where I give lot's of background information and draw out the story) and there's the short version (where I tell it to the point and maybe lose a few readers who may not understand the background information). I've decided to tell the short version. If I lose some of you, sorry. But I think you'll get the point.
I was about 13 years old. I wanted to know if there was a God. If there was I wanted to serve him and live a good, moral life. If there wasn't, I would live my life for myself and not worry about morals, and all that stuff. So I prayed. I prayed hard and sincerely. I thought to myself "if God is God, what would He have influence over?" Well the Earth and all of Nature, of course. An Earthquake. I'd asked God to tell me if He was real by giving me a sign. I prayed. I prayed that my prayer would get to God immediately. No delays. Any Angels or Beings that delayed my prayer should not. Get my prayer to God tonight, because I need a sign. I want to know if He is real. Take my message to Him now. Tonight. If God is real I need to know. If God is real, please create an earthquake that wakes me up before I rise the next morning (I'm praying this as I lay down for the night). And with this on my mind, and my sincere prayers sent into the cosmos, I fell asleep.
And then I awoke to an Earthquake. My Earthquake. It was before 10 P.M. that night. It was a 3.something on the Richter Scale. I got out of bed and went into the family room where my parents were watching TV. I asked them if they felt the Earthquake and they said yes and told me the news had come on and said it was a 3.something on the Richter Scale. And I went back to bed. And I decided that God was real, and that I would try to live my life accordingly. I never told my parents. They would not have believed me anyway.
And ever since then, Earthquakes have been the marker in my life of growth and change. An earthquake always greets me on a day of signficance. My birthday. The day of breaking off with my ex. Of course the day I lost my home in the Northridge earthquake. Many others. Most of the times I moved to a new home there was an earthquake to "welcome" me. And I believe more are to come. Especially the Big One in Los Angeles. I've had dreams about that one.
The weekend before Christmas I went out to Trunks with my friends S and R. We had drinks (duh) and I played pool. They left, and I was buzzed and wanted to continue my evening. I proceeded to Rage and Mickey's, where I had the courage to take off my shirt while dancing. While topless, I saw a young hottie checking me out. We met, exchanged numbers and a day later he contacted me both via email and called. We hooked up the day before I left for wine country to the B&B. Sexually we're compatible. We had fun. But he's really too young for me. He's in his 20's and for me, not relationship material. But he's sweet and fun. That's the guy I was supposed to have drinks with tonight. But because I had not called and confirmed with him before today, he made other plans. So here I am, home alone on Saturday night and wondering if I'll go out or just watch TV and hit the hay.
I'm not sure I will be able to adequately explain what just happened to me with mere words.
Have you ever experienced a moment in time when it seems like it stood still and you knew something bigger, something more than physical, rather spiritual or cosmic just happened? When it does you stop and think "what just happened?" and you aren't really sure, but you know something unseen but important occurred. That sort of thing used to happen to me a lot. But it hasn't in a long time. But it happened today, and when it did it reminded me of something I'm supposed to remember. But I don't remember it consciously, but I know I know it on some realm of reality. Okay, I know you're thinking I've lost it. It's because I'm having trouble explaining what happened with words. How do you explain a beautiful sunset? Words don't do it justice. But it is experienced, and it is a special moment just for you. No one else will experience that sunset like you did. And you can explain it but it won't be the same.
And so what happened? Well again, it's not so much WHAT happened as much as how I felt WHEN it happened. To be truthful, I don't know what happened, I only know, deep inside, that something significant occurred in the moment I'm about to describe to you.
I had just finished seeing The Big Fish at the Grove in Los Angeles (Beverly Hills?). I'll reserve judgment and comment on the movie for now. It was about 4 p.m. and I was debating in my mind if I would try to sneak in and see another movie, or if I would leave. I'd told a friend I would meet him for drinks tonight and I had not called him for a few days so I thought I should probably not do another movie. All this debating was going on in my mind while I walked to the bathroom and then it happened. First, as I entered the Men's room, I saw who I swear was Elijah Wood of Lord of the Rings fame (he had that weird short haircut he's sporting). He was very very thin and I'm quite certain it was him. Well, where would the Ring-Bearer be without his friendly Hobbits? I SWEAR I saw two other youngish guys leaving (by now I'm inside the bathroom) and they looked so very familiar. Were they Billy Boyd (Perigrin Pippin Took) and Dominic Monaghan (Merry)? Whoever they were, they were someone, and they were adding to the very weird moment I was in the middle of experiencing. Almost simultaneously to all this visual and mental stimuli, another familiar looking guy and I almost bumped into each other. He on his way out, me on the way in and he says "HEY! How's it going?" -- almost like he was some long lost friend. At first I thought he was part of the Elijah Wood entourage, but I wasn't sure who he was. He had very black hair (moussed up a bit) and seemed like he was someone famous. Did he know me? I wasn't sure what happened. I said "Hi" back and went to the bathroom. When I exited, stunned and wondering "who did I just see, and who said hi to me?" there he was. The guy with the black hair. He appeared to be checking me out so I lingered. I went to get a drink of water and he boldly approached me, shook my hand and asked what I did. Turns out he's a writer. Of music. He has my email and will email me. I get the idea he was trying to drum up business or find a producer, director, that could help him. He was networking I guess. Anyway, I digress. Again it is not WHAT happened, it is the feeling I had after it all happened the "what just happened?" feeling. And I'm not sure. But I know something did. And if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.
Friday, January 09, 2004 :
I've been in a bit of a funk for a week or more, and I can't seem to shake it. I'm hoping it's just a "hangover" from the Holidays and my routine will correct things, but I hate it when I feel this way. I got back to the gym today and I felt a lot better after that, although I did not like what the scales told me. I gained a few pounds since I last weighed in. I'm up to 184 lbs. I still look okay without a shirt on, but I'm eager to get back full swing into working out again. I saw my trainer after I was done and we signed up for next Friday to start some new routine he recently got certified on. My resolution is to step up my workouts a notch or two. I plan to increase my workouts to 5-6 days a week. I want to get very hard and chiseled. My body is the temple of my Soul, and I want to honor my Soul with a great looking body (okay and I want hot guys to desire me).
My fan Jeph from Florida reminded me that I've not given an update on the acting classes lately. I finished the level one class and decided that due to a weird schedule through November/December that I would not attend level 2 (travelling, conventions, etc. would force me to miss several). I also learned something about myself by attending level one. I learned that I would likely go crazy if I ever became an actor by trade. I can not sit around a set and do nothing. If I get into the industry it would have to be as a director or writer. I am the first to admit that I need to be in control, in charge. In my life I pretty much call the shots -- at work, in my personal environment, etc. I just don't have the patience (and probably talent) to be an actor. Every actor I know is having a hard time finding work. I have a good job and an income. Anyway, I intend to take a writing class next. But as I mentioned recently, I really want to win the lottery and go back to school full time. I love learning and studying, and really want to study science and become a scientist (not sure what specialty at this point). If I could find a way to support myself so I did not have to work while I go back to school..... Maybe I need a sugar daddy!
I broke it off with they guy I was dating. I'm single again. I'm very fine being single. I think I'll be this way for a while. But as with all relationships, I did learn some things about me and what I like and don't like in a guy. I'm not closing my mind to the possibility of a relationship, but I definitely don't think I'll go looking for a partner any time soon. If it happens it happens!
There are a number of interesting tidbits that would be interesting to share, but being in relationships with people, I have to be careful. For instance, I don't want to share the details of how things are going with the guy I'm dating, but I will tell you he invited me to a Bed & Breakfast along with his mother and several of her friends to the Fitzpatrick Winery (www.fitzpatrickwinery.com/b_and_b.html) in the Sierra Foothills last week for New Years. We had the Winemaker's Suite. All of the guests were couples in their 60's or older and most retired ministers. Although this sounds like it was more fun than a barrel full of monkeys, it wasn't so bad. The "ministers" were actually some of the most carnal people I've ever met. Real people. Who all drink wine a lot. Especially by friends mother.
Most of the week was bad weather so we did not get out much, except one day we stole away to Lake Tahoe and spent a little time there between storms. We drove to Incline Village and drove by the house I used to live in with my ex. The house we lived in is very lovely, with a high elevation and a great view of the lake. There was so much snow from the recent storm we could not see much of the house. The snow pack on the side of the road was over 8 feet, at least.
All I can say right now is that I'm glad to be home, and glad to be back at work on a regular routine. I was beginning to feel a little lost, and bewildered after being off for 3 weeks. My first two days back at work have been fairly nice and uneventful and I'm looking forward to getting back into my gym routine. I've decided to try and step up the gym and go 5-6 times a week as opposed to 3-4.
On a totally different note, I've decided I want to turn back the clock and go back to school. I studied business in college, and now I wish I'd studied science. I want to win the lottery so I don't have to work, bo back to school full-time and take all the science courses I can, choose a specialty and become a scientist. A whole new career. There are so many scientific breakthroughs coming ahead for humanity, I want to be a part of it all.
Anyone interested in donating money so I can quit work and go back to school?
Formerly "A Day in the life of a Gay Guy", I've changed the name to reflect more of how I'm thinking. Being Gay is not the focal point of my life. I'm a guy with interests like everyone else, I just happen to be Gay.
