Monday, June 30, 2003 :
I just finished reading through a number of my favorite blogs -- and blogs that lead to other blogs I've never seen -- and I noticed that my blog site was dropped from somebody's "Blogworthy" blog list.
Mind you, this was only moments after I thought to myself how competitive the blogs seem. Like "my blog is pretty and has all these neat pictures," or "Look at how well I write -- do you want my autograph?" I was feeling all proud of myself for not getting competitive, or even caring what anyone thought of my site (after all, I"m NOT trying to win any friends or contests) when I noticed I was dropped (in fact "not worthy") from someone's blog list. I also noticed I'm not on more than maybe two other sites. But as I look at the list of sites listed on a lot of the "gay" blog sites, the same names/blogs are seen all over the place (you know them, like "Bradlands.com, Doublecool, unprotected text, etc.).
I'm happy for them (okay, not really), but I think to myself (especially since I'm on the outside looking in, not one of the "cool" people) that this reminds me of real life -- like when I was in high school and all the cool jocks were standing around laughing and having a good time, while all the girls stood by and giggle and people like me felt left out. Insecurity? But of course! But I'm not alone. Of this I am sure. I know because I've been on both sides of this fence. I've been popular, on the "in" crowd, and I've been (albeit mostly imagined -- like now) on the outside, ignored, unpopular, and as I get older, invisible. But hey "I don't care what anybody thinks" I say. Well, that's what I have to say so I don't feel really really bad. But truthfully, it's partly true. More now than it ever has been. What does it really matter if I'm in with the "in crowd?" If my experience has told me anything, the guys in the "in crowd" (or those who think they are) are usually people who are insecure and need to be surrounded by other "cool" people, and probably immature. The really, truly, cool people, in my mind are those who are in the "in" crowd but don't know it and don't care. Everyone else is just their groupie.
So why the F*&k am I writing this? Because I can. Because I'm angry and feel isolated, alone and unpopular. Because I'm immature and feel like acting out at the world, while the world can not strike back.
I've actually been thinking of not doing this blog anymore. Not because I'm not on all the cool blog lists, but because I've been asking myself why am I even doing this? I've started doing a private journal to help the starving "artist" in me find balance and healing, but why do I write publicly? What could possibly motivate me to write about my gay musings and goings-on, when I could quite literally be "outed" by someone from work and get fired? The thrill of it all? No, that can't be it. The thought that someone, somewhere (especially a young gay trying to see what life's like as a gay person, or an older gay wondering why he's feeling lonely and invisible) might read these journals and actually come away feeling better about themselves -- or at least more hopeful about the future. Or at least know that their life isn't so bad after all -- maybe that's why I write? Well obviously, that is one hope (or why the Hell did I just write it?)
I don't know. For me, when my fingers hit the typewriter keypad, my thoughts come out. Writing with old-fashioned pen/paper doesn't quite do it for me. I can type a lot faster than I can write the old way. And so for me, writing like this is therapeutic. And it's a way to let my thoughts "escape" and come out (so to speak - hehe). But why publicly (he asks, as he writes to himself and an unknown audience)? I don't know. Thought takes birth somewhere in my subconscious. They brew there until my fingers start moving over the keyboard. They coalesce into a sentence and get typed into a blog. Someone reads them. What now?
Above all else, when I write I want to be truthful. Truth supersedes glamour and glitz. If my truth, as dull as it may be, helps one person in some small way, then this blog will not have been in vain.
Friday, June 27, 2003 :
From the Los Angeles Times today:
"WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court, declaring gays and lesbians have a right to privacy and dignity in their personal lives, on Thursday struck down all remaining laws that make sex between gay adults a crime.
"The Constitution does not tolerate gays being singled out in the law for moral disapproval or second-class citizenship, the high court said. The 6-3 ruling voids laws in Texas and 12 other states that prohibited sex between gays, even in the privacy of their home.
"Gay rights lawyers hailed the decision as a historic legal victory for their cause."
I'm so emotional about this, that I am speechless. I'm surprised, frankly, about how I am feeling right now. I guess I sort of fee like a black slave might have felt after being freed from slavery. Or a woman who just learned she has the right to vote. The laws of the land I live in, no longer considers me a second class citizen, or participating in morally illegal activities. In the eyes of the law anyway, I am equal with other people in my society. Before yesterday, I was only a second class, immoral citizen. Now because of this historic decision, one day I may look forward to having equal rights under the law to marry, or hold a job in a Christian institution without fear of being fired.
It's about time, God Damn it! I'm ebarrassed for my country that it took so long for this to happen. And I'm embarrassed for what I know will be the moral storm that follows in the days ahead. How does the most powerful country ever on the face of this Earth, also happen to be the stupidist!? God help us.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003 :
I have been feeling a bit down, so I'm glad I've been getting quite a large dose of positive feedback from people about my appearance. I had friends over the weekend join me for Gay Pride (text deleted) In the last 10 days alone I've lost another inch in the waiste and a few pounds. I saw Josh on Saturday - he was with another client in the gym - and he could not believe how "thin" I'd gotten in just 1.5 weeks. He trotted me downstairs to see his boss Georgia to show me off to her. All this was a good thing -- I needed it. It will take a lot for me to really feel good about my self. I have doubts. I look at Josh, who is 22, and I realize no matter how much fat I lose or how muscular I get I will never look 22 again. Whatever. My new motto is "Progression, not Perfection." I'll never be perfect, but I can always make progress in the right direction.
Gay pride was pretty interesting. I wanted to see the parade, as I have NEVER in my life seen the Los Angeles Gay Pride parade. Last year I spent time at the festival after the parade, but only this year did I see the whole parade. I was interested in seeing who and what organizations participate. The church I am interested in going to was in it, as well as many political figures, including the mayor of Los Angeles Kenny Hahn, and the mayor of West Hollywood. Having drank plenty the night before, I did not drink all day during parade day, while my friends all did. By the end of the day my friend S. was toasted. We all regrouped at my house after the festival and watched the season opener of "Sex and the City" on HBO. I liked it! My friends all got stoned watching it, while I did not (I'm not a prude, I just don't like inhaling smoke in my lungs, and marijuana just does not do much for me). But I got high anyway, just by virtue of being in the same room with a bunch of fags laughing and enjoying the Sex in the City. We had a lot of fun that day.
I took Monday and Tuesday as vacation days. I went to see "The Italian Job" which I found to be quite entertaining, and I saw "The Hulk" which was entertaining but rather silly. There was a few points during the movie that a group of the audience got the sillies and started laughing at inappropriate times and the rest of the audience started laughing too -- laughing because the dialog was silly and stupid. But all in all, I'm a succer for science fiction and enjoyed it. I had watched "the Making of the Hulk" on HBO (or was it sci fi?) and found it fascinating how they used computers to create him.
I gave Josh, my trainer the book "The Artist's Way". I think I have a crush on him! For a straight boy, he says the strangest things to me, like "I love you Bill", "Bill, you look so good, pretty soon you are gonna be walking down the (model) runway, and I'm gonna be right there as your date." He is soooo cute with his Georgian southern accent. I think he knows I like him and he's workin it real good.
I picked up "The Front Runner" yesterday and started reading it for the first time. Yes its' true, I just rolled off the turnip truck and I'm now reading the "most celebrated gay love story ever" - now. I've already had a good cry as I started it last night. I'm sure more is to come. Growing up I lived a very self-imposed isolated life. I was born and raised in the valley in the LA area, but did not even know until after I graduated from college that West Hollywood was "gay." I was very closeted, religious, watched very little T.V. From the time I was about 13 until just a few years ago, I spent every morning praying/meditating for an hour before school or work. Consequently, I never watched "the Today Show" or any such thing. And at night I rarely started watching TV until recent years.
Thursday, June 19, 2003 :
I'm down below 180 lbs. for the first time in a LONGGGGG time. I'm 6' 1.5" and 179 now. My bod is looking pretty good thanks to the workouts, diet, and my trainer Josh. Josh is a model and actor and I decided to buy him the book "The Artist's Way" as a gift of appreciation. I bought it today and will give it next opportunity.
Gay pride is this weekend in L.A. They close off all the streets, have a parade, party, debauchery. I live within walking distance, so I definitely plan to make an appearance. Maybe I'll even meet someone! I'm ready for that. I need to get out and make some new friends. I found a church that looks good, and starting a week from Sunday will attend (they don't meet this weekend -- they are participating in the gay parade). I'm taking off Monday and Tuesday as vacation days to give myself a long weekend. I'm guessing I'll probably drink a little this weekend, but if I can go without, all the better!
Monday, June 16, 2003 :
Strike that. There's more to the last 20 years of drinking than just "boredom." The longer I go without drinking, the more I become in touch with my emotions. Which is amazing. I'm reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron, which many of you out there have probably read. Funny thing is that I've had the book for many years and just finished reading it through again. The last time I read it I did not, apparently, finish it. I stopped before getting to the last few chapters. I don't know why exactly, other than I have read in those few chapters, that I may have been sobotaging my creative talents all these years by drinking every night. The book suggests I may have been drinking to purposely sabotage the artist in me, because of fear. Fear of my own creative power. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of abandonment. At any rate, the last few days and weeks I've been going through a sort of transformation of sorts. I feel as though I've been a catepillar, stuck in its womb much longer than nature intended, but am finally coming out of the sticky, yet safe, mess. My wings are atrophed, I'm older than most fresh butterflys, but I'm finally out. Out to become what I was meant to be.
I'm making slow but good progress with the personal trainer Josh, and my physical fitness goals. With my dropping the alchohol, changes in my diet, and consistently working hard, and correctly, I've seen some great progress, and Josh and I expect a lot more progress in the weeks ahead. I've signed up for another 6 sessions with Josh (who cutely announced to me this weekend that I am his "favorite" client). I look in the mirror naked and can see my old sexy self coming through. I look at myself and think "I would not kick myself out of bed." A few months ago I don't think I could have honestly said that.
And so, what is the artist in me? Well, I used to play the guitar and sing. And I have a great guitar and can pick that up any time. But what really intrigues me for some reason is the idea of being an actor. I never pursued it because I was afraid, and more 'practicle' things got in the way, like a degree in business administration, work in business and technology. But I've always wondered, could I be an actor? The stage seems like a great place to express myself, like I can not any place else. To show rage, anger, tears, uncontrollable laughter..... I have a friend who teaches acting, and other friends who are just getting into it, so I can ask around and see where things go.
Some of the quotes I like that the author Cameron quotes in her book "The Artist's Way" are:
"Real Learning comes about when the competitive spirit has ceased." - J. Krishnamurti
"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us." Meister Eckhart
"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." Albert Einstein
"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently." Agnes De Mille
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." Albert Einstein
Back to the acting thing. I watched the Tony Awards the other night on CBS. I cried several times during the show. It's funny how my emotions are coming out so much. Both a result of stopping drinking, but also having stopped my anti-depressant pills several months ago. I'm going through a sort of grieving process, but also coming alive for the first time in so long. I mean, let's face it, being a closeted homosexual most of your life, pretending to be someone you are not, had its impact on me. I had a lifetime of suppressing my emotions, my very being. Then I was severely depressed (well duh!) and went on anti depressants for several years. Now I'm off them, and I'm experiencing emotions! And it's okay! Let em out! There's nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of! It's liberating. Anyway, the Tony Awards - for some reason this was the first time I have EVER seen them. What on Earth, WHY?! I have no idea. But to see two gay men, in a long-term, loving relationship, kiss and hug and express their love for each other on CBS, in prime time, was liberating. LIBERATING! LIBERATING!!!! I'm sure it must have been to many, many, other gay people, especially young ones, struggling with their feelings, sitting at home with mom and pop and uncle joe, and cousin suzie, to see it too. I was inspired by the show, and that was one of the synchronistic events that reminded me that I wanted to be an actor. This girl wants to go to BROADWAY! One of the things the Artist's Way recommends, besides doing the daily "morning papers", is to do "artist dates" with ones' self. I want to take an 'artist date' to New York and see a week or two's worth of Broadway shows. Cant' afford it, but I want to do it anyway..... Or maybe London. London might even be a little cheaper. I can fly for free using my airline miles, and the tickets are about half as much there than here. We'll see.
One step at a time. I'm going to call my acting teacher friend this week and get on her calendar and see about joining one of her classes.
Thursday, June 05, 2003 :
Congratulate me. I've gone two weeks (except last Friday night) without drinking. I thought it would be harder than it has been. I'm realizing the reason I drank was to fight boredom! I find myself sitting around at night thinking "ok, now what?" but i'm finding things to pass the time and it's not a problem. My workouts continue and I'm being consistent and I'm seeing a difference, and I'm glad.
This project at work has, as always, been consuming my time. We're coming to a go, no-go decision in the next few weeks. We'll definitely "go" but it could get delayed for a year. We'll see. At this point I don't even care anymore -- I've done the best damn job I can to get us where we are, and I feel good about it. So whatever happens I'm happy with myself and the work I've done. I'm prepared to go forward, or to stall, if that's what is decided!
Can't think of anything really profound to share, so for now, Adios!
Formerly "A Day in the life of a Gay Guy", I've changed the name to reflect more of how I'm thinking. Being Gay is not the focal point of my life. I'm a guy with interests like everyone else, I just happen to be Gay.
