Thursday, January 30, 2003 :
Damn it's hard to keep this up (no pun intended) when I'm busy. I'll make it another quick update:
The Physical: I had my second personal trainer session. In between, I worked out on my own. Yesterday's session was very hard, but I know it was good. I really think this is going to make me feel and look really good! I'm excited (and more importantly, motivated!)
The Social/Sexual I had another blind date with this dating service. This guy was really nice, but I have no physical attraction to him at all. But nevertheless, we are meeting again. He seems like someone I'd like to have as a friend, so we'll see where it goes. We're meeting Sunday.
I got a call a couple days ago from a guy with a very heavy French accent. As soon as I heard his voice, it sounded familiar (like a long forgotten dream). He knew my name and asked for me (in his ever-so-adorable accent). He said his name and asked did I remember him? I said yes (although I did not) and he continued to apologize for not calling me sooner, but he was out of the country and when he got back he was busy, etc., but that he'd like to get together with me say, this weekend? I said yes, and he is supposedly calling me Friday (I don't have his numbers). The best I can recall is that I met him on the rare night I went out to West Hollywood. I had just bought some new really cool Itlalian evening clothes and wanted to "try them out" in boytown. I did get some positive looks, and unfortunately though, I drank too much. I ended up going home with a rent-boy (who was a big disappointment, let me tell you) but I had forgotten I gave my business card to this French guy. But the more I thought about it, I remembered having a very interesting and stimulating conversation with the guy. I was obviously struck by him to give out my numbers. Anyway, how sad I forgot, but how nice he called. I'll keep you posted.
The Addictive: Well as you can see, my striving to stop or even control my drinking has failed. I never made it to an AA meeting. I'm still drinking every night. Any suggestions out there????
The Roof Over My Head: I got a rent increase of about 20% from my f*&cking landlord! So with interest rates at historic lows, I'm taking the plunge and looking to buy. I've already been pre-qualified for a 100% loan and I'm looking for places on the West side, maybe even West Hollywood.....
Thursday, January 23, 2003 :
A quick update. I've been quite busy this last week. A project I'm managing at work finally kicked off officially on Tuesday. I've been working up to that day for 11 months. It was a smashing success. My working life will be very very busy for the next several years with this huge project. Feels like I had a child.
My ex Ricardo called me this morning needing my help. He has to leave Amsterdam by next Wednesday in order to be in compliance with his visa. He has no money and no way to get an airline ticket, and so, you guessed it, he needs me to buy it. He swears he'll pay me back. I'm doubtful, but what can I do? So I did it and got him a ticket back to San Francisco. Jeez.
My friend Ernesto that I met before going to Puerta Vallarta and I have been staying in touch via email. He's coming back to LA at the end of the month and wants to hook up with me again.....
I started with a personal trainer this week! And I am VERY sore. But it's a good sore. I'm excited about getting into the shape of my life!!!!!
Wednesday, January 15, 2003 : Someone is stalking me. I'm getting phone calls about every hour during the evening and they hang up. Caller ID is blocked. My social life isn't all that exciting, and there are only a handful of people I know who even have my number. At first I thought Derek. But why would he do that? I'm dying for him to call, why would he hang up? No, not Derek. But then I thought Ronald. My ex who got out of jail recently and I hear is now AWOL. He was supposed to go back to AZ to fulfill the terms of his probation, but he did not. He's Borderline Personality Disorder, and he is a good candidate for stalking. We were 'in love' when he went into jail, and we haven't talked once since he got out, except via email a few times. Anyway, I'm not too concerned about my safety or anything, it's just weird and I want to know who it is!
Last night I got home a little early from work and had the opportunity to watch the sun setting over the Santa Monica Beach from my apartment. The colors were beautiful, and I was very relaxed and HAPPY as I sat there and waited for dark. I was even smiling. Then this afternoon, for what reason I know not, I am feeling in a funk, almost depressed. What's up with that? Anyway, writers block. Nothing of great note is coming to mind worth sharing with my discriminating readers. Cheers.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003 : I'm embarrassed by how materialistic our society is. Watching Joe Millionaire again last night really hits it home for me how it has become so acceptable for so many people to get into relationships or marriage for all the wrong reasons. I guess I'm old-fashioned, but I still like to believe that some people get together because of love, not because one can take care of the other. Some of the women on that show make me want to scream! Life is not about winning the lottery, it's about experiencing life to the fullest, including earning your own way, loving and receiving love, and learning all we can as we move along life's path. Or at least that's what I think. Maybe that's why so many beautiful, otherwise eligible women (and men) are single, because they are looking for gold instead of love. I've experienced gold-diggers myself, unfortunately. Younger men, thinking I have the means to support them, feign love when all they wanted was my wallet. I've lived and learned, and now when I see it happening it is so blatently obvious, and it makes me angry.
Or at least call it for what it is. Don't pretend you want to have a relationship with someone if all you really want is sex or money, or whatever. I've finally resorted to being totally and completly honest on the internet matchmaking sites, for example. Instead of looking for Mr Right, "let's take a long walk on the beach and watch the sun set", I've set up a site that's more like "Let's have some fun while I search for Mr. Right" and I describe what type I'm looking for, and what I'd like to do. And you know it works! I get messages from hot young guys telling me they like my honesty, and they want to hook up.
BTW, any of my regular readers who want to see pics of me or my friends (like Derek) feel free to email me and ask... I'll send them. I just can't post here as I too paranoid someone from work will run across them and out me. Thanks.
Friday, January 10, 2003 :
I got Scott's pictures from Puerta Vallarta yesterday. Some of the them came out GREAT. A few good ones of me and Derek. And now I remember how handsome he is. And I don't look so bad either! We make a great looking couple. I want to share them here, but before I can, I think I have to upgrade my blogger account to be able to post. And I can only post Derek's pic, since I can't post my own pics because I can't afford to get outted at work. But the pics are great and I plan to use them for when people want to see a pic of me.
I printed out the best pics and sent them, along with the cancelled Amsterdam itinerary to Derek through snail mail. I wish I knew why he isn't calling. I hope he feels guilty when he sees the pics of us all happy and holding hands, having fun.
Well one good thing... it's the weekend! I've survived my first week back at work! HAPPY FRIDAY.
Wednesday, January 08, 2003 :
My horoscope said something about "hearing from someone afar who would indicate a willingness to have a relationship." I was supposing how cool it would be if Derek decided to call and tell me he still wants to come visit. Well the day is about over and no call. For those of you wondering "why doesn't he call Derek?" I have. Too many times. and emails. Any more and it would be considered stalking. So I'm leaving him alone. It's in his ballpark.
A good day at work. Projects kicking off, ongoing ones highly visible and successful.
I did not make AA (surprise!) BUT, I have not had anything to drink since Monday when my resolutions began.
Not feeling very verbal this afternoon..... cheers.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003 : I'm feeling a little insecure about Derek. I'm trying to remain optimistic but my instict tells me I've been dumped. Not that we were ever together, but I really enjoyed Derek's company in Puerta Vallarta, and he did indicate he liked me, wanted to visit me either in Amsterdam or Santa Monica, but I don't hear from him. I think he's trying to quietly pull away. It always amazes me how people are afraid of hurting someone with bad news, so they don't tell them at all. Don't people realize that the truth is better than a lie? Why allow me to go on with false hope when all along he could put me out of my misery, and stop falsely hoping, when all he has to do is say 'Bill, I appreciate your interest in me but...." My friend Scott is like that. He is the sweetesat person in the world, but he never wants to give anyone bad news, even if it is the truth. I always tell him if I were the other person, I'd want to know the truth now, not find out about it later. The later always hurts worse than if the truth were to just come out now.
Anyway, I wish Derek the best in whatever happens to him. I guess I shouldn't expect much, he is after all in his 20's, recently out, and, well I guess I shouldn't expect mature actions from someone like that, eh? Although I am generally optimistic and I do expect the best out of people. I've met people in their 20's who have more maturity than some much older people I know, including me. But I guess that's the exception.
On the subject of discrimination and prejudice. It always amazes me how people can disregard someone because they are a certain color, or are gay, or HIV+, or whatever. I never think about those things, and so it always amazes me when others do. For example, my ex Ricardo is HIV+, but I always need reminding of that fact. Of course I protected myself, but when I see Ricardo, I see him for who he is, not what he has. So many people automatically put a death sentence on someone who has HIV. People who do that, I think, limit themselves to isolation, boredom and lonliness. I believe that whoever God or the Universe puts in my pathway, it is for a reason, and if I have the capability to love that person, then I will. It's not up to me if they will live another month, year, or 50 years. I could die tommorrow of a car accident for crying out loud! But my ex, poor thing, gets a lot of rejection and prejudice from people he meets because of his status. And so people give up an opportunity to love someone out of fear for their own safety perhaps, or losing someone they love? Well, again, the other person could die of an accident, but does that stop others from loving them?
I don't know if my point is made well, I don't feel partiularly articulate today. I guess I would say to whoever reads this, that today could be the last day of your life. Love those around you, let go of your fears. People are put in your path for a reason. Don't let your fear of rejection, or whatever, stop you from experiencing life, and giving yourself emotionally to other people.
And what about Mr. Joe Millionnaire??? It drives home my subtle point that, why can't people love people for who they are, not for what they can get from them? I know a lot of gay men who are exactly like most of those women, who are all excited about the idea of marrying someone who can take care of them. What is wrong with our culture? What happened to the idea of loving someone for who they are and that's it? I am so frustrated with the state of how most of us think. Is there anyone out there who can love me for me? Okay, take me for example. If I met this guy in a bar or whatever, I wouldn't care if he lived on the fu**ing street! I'd take him home and love him! He's gorgeous, no??? I'd quit my job and run off to someplace cheap where we could both get basic jobs and live happily ever after.... Am I nuts? Does anyone get what I'm saying? ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Do I sound like someone who has been rejected? Uh huh! But I really believe what I'm saying here...... Really.
Monday, January 06, 2003 : According to my horoscope, today the moon conjuncts with Uranus!
Well, Happy New Year everyone. I'm a bit behind (another pun, get it?) on my writings, so bare :) with me here. The New Year's party in Amsterdam was quiet but just what I needed after a week of partying in the city. At midnight we all took a stroll a few blocks away to New Market Square (not the correct spelling, but that's sort of what is sounds like and I think what it means) where there is a New Year's tradition to crowd into the square and watch the fireworks. It was one of the most exhiliarating, exciting, fun, emotional experiences I've ever experienced in my life. Words are inadequate. First of all, there are thousands of friendly happy people all crowded into this area of one small city block surrounded by old (some buildings in Amsterdam are over 600 years old!) but beautiful buildings, thousands of revellers drinking bottles of champaigne and thousands of fireworks blasting off in every direction. Some hit the buildings where people are watching from their (closed, and obviously reinforced) windows. But somehow noone gets hurt and no fires get started. For at least a solid hour, people are cheering, laughing, and the fireworks go non-stop from at leat 5 different locations from the square. And the fireworks were professional grade. Amazingly beautiful. I laughed until I cried. I called my Mom and sister on the apartment-supplied cell phone I had, but I could not get through. Turns out, I did, and I heard later they heard all the noise and fireworks and me laughing in the background. That would have been about 3 p.m. pacific time while I was celebrating the new year in Amsterdam. I'm all choked up now as I remember that night.... God, what a beautiful experience.
First class was, again, spectacular coming home. And a good thing I was in 1st class too. After the 'official' New Year's party, Ricardo and I walked back toward my apartment and ended up going to a gay bar called the Cock Ring (jeez I hope my Mom doesn't read this). Its a pretty fun bar. They have three levels. One is a dance floor and bar, another is a bar/lounge, and well the third level is, uh dark and steamy and you enter at your own risk. We stayed on the first two levels (ok mom?) and closed out the night and got back very late and so I only had about 2 hrs sleep until I had to get up and get ready to go to the airport. I took the train to Schipol International and the rest is luxurious history. I slept a good part of the way home between delicious meals, movies and champaigne. My 1st class experience was basically free due to lots of airline miles (it takes 100,000 to do first class to Europe) but I checked and it would have cost me about $13,000.
And now I'm home and unfortunately back to work (actually it's good to be back). I checked my email at work a few times while on vacation so I wouldn't be overwhelmed today. It worked. I'm already caught up on things.
My New Year's Resolutions: I usually don't do them. But I do have two that I'm quite serious about. First is I'm starting with a personal trainer. I want to be proud to take off my shirt and know people are admiring me. I'll do whatever it takes cuz I just damn want to feel good about myself. And being gay and single and getting older is a very difficult thing in the gay world. Men are so damn visual, if you are not simply gorgeous, most men won't even consider you. It sucks, but it's reality. So cheer me on okay?
Second, and this can go along with my new fitness routine, I'm going to try to quit drinking. I'm convinced that I am an alcoholic. I drank so much over the holidays, even I can't believe it. We're talking blackouts several times where I don't remember how I ended up the evening. Very bad news from my point of view. So tonight I'm going to an AA meeting, something I've said I'd never do. Never say never. I swear I hope this helps. Cheer me on again, okay?
And finally, I saw two great movies over the weekend. Lord of the Rings, the Two Towers, which I simply was amazed by! Mark my words, they will win awards for Cinematography, for certain. My favorite books ever, the Lord of the Rings, and the movie is so very close to the original, and I love that. It's a rare thing for a movie to be so true to the original story. The second movie I saw was Star Trek Nemesis. Now I know some of my fellow bloggers did not like the movie all that much. But I really liked it a lot. Besides the young nemesis being so damn gorgious, the storyline was interesting and the characters all believable and the effects of course grand.
Formerly "A Day in the life of a Gay Guy", I've changed the name to reflect more of how I'm thinking. Being Gay is not the focal point of my life. I'm a guy with interests like everyone else, I just happen to be Gay.
