Friday, August 30, 2002 :
Wow, somebody actually read my weblog, and emailed me to tell me he did!
The plans are set for tonight. About 8-10 screaming faggots are going to take over a bowling ally and bowl! That otta be a sight to see. Okay, okay, for you "not-gay" people out there, when I say "screaming faggots" I'm using a euphemism, not being exactly accurate. We can talk about each other that way. Although it really will be an interesting scene. If you want to see the show come on down to Jillian's bowling alley at about 9:30 tonight (at the Universal Citywalk in Universal City, CA.) I haven't bowled in years.
What a beautiful day! I finally got my lazy butt out of my office and walked down to the gym and got a good workout. The sun is shining, the ocean is sparkling blue, not too hot, not too cool. Perfection. Now I feel like I can start my weekend with a good attitude.
It's funny. There was a day when I would have been very distracted by a weight room full of college age water polo players :) But today, I look at those guys with their chlorine-blond hair and think "these guys are really young." and skinny. and I'm not EVEN attracted to them! There was actually a time when I was in my 20's that I dated a water polo player. Then it was fun, but today I am more interested in someone closer to my own age who has something going on upstairs and has an ineresting life. Not to say a water polo player is not smart or interesting, but a 19 year old? I guess I'm saying the physical thing is no longer as important to me as it has been most of my fricking life! This is a good thing! You have no idea how far I've come.
Okay, I'm struggling here. I need to decide, do I write these blogs like I'm writing in a journal, or do I write like I have an audience?
I just got through reading blogs at nakeboymoving.com and I really enjoyed it. This is a gay guy who lives in Canada and his blogs are light and interesting. Makes me want to lighten up my own blogs a bit. I'm trying to find a style that suits me for this venue. To-date, no one but me has read these damn things anyway, so I don't know why I care so much if people figure out where I live or work. Like anybody cares so much they want to expose me? I think I'll start even using real names when I talk about my 'ex' and this and that friend.
With that said, tonight I'm going out with my friend Carlos and his new boyfriend. He has visitors, a gay couple from Mexico in town and he wants me to meet them. My ex, Ricardo (not the one getting out of jail, the one right after that) is a Mexican citizen (we met in Puerto Vallarta while I was on vacation) and Carlos is here on a working visa himself. What can I say, I have international tastes! Anyway, Carlos has been telling his friends about 'his friend who lives in Santa Monica with the bubble butt.'.. That would be me. How he got on this thing about the 'bubble butt' I really don't know. I don't really think I have a bubble butt, but then again, I don't get the chance to see it that often...
Work is a bit slow this week for me (can you tell?) but next week is a crazy week of interviews and meetings and this project I am managing will begin to pick up momentum and things will get very crazy for me. It feels like the lull before the storm right now.
I have no plans for the long weekend other than out tonight with Carlos and the boys (my bi-friend Scott might join us, we'll see) and getting to the GYM. I am staring at my gym bag sitting in my office as I type. It's been sitting there since Tuesday. Needless to say, I have not worked out in well over a week, and I'm feeling depressed and guilty about it. Today I must work out! And this weekend I have no excuses not to as well.
Inspired by nakedboymoving.com, I want to figure out how to post pictures and make links to these blogs. But that's for another day.
Thursday, August 29, 2002 : On being Gay and Christian The main reason I was in the closet for so long was because I was at the age of 13 a "born again" Christian and became very active in my church and even became a leader among my peers. I was in denial for a long time about my sexuality, both to myself and everybody else. I "dated" women, but because I was a good little Christian I was "saving" myself for marriage before having sex. As a leader in my very large youth group in high school years, I was very visible and coming out and reconciling my sexuality was almost out of the question for me. Years later I find myself attending (twice) the "ex-gay" ministries where church organizations try to 'help' Christians "struggling" with homosexuality to turn straight. Of course it hardly ever works, and it certainly did not for me. If I could not be 'straight' I would try to be celibate -- and that I did for more years than you would believe. I served several years on the board of directors of a very large, popular, evangelic church while I was in the celibate stage until one day I was so lonely, so depressed I saw a Christian counselor who helped me see that it was okay to be Gay and Christian, that there was not a conflict between the two! He pointed me to books like "What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality" (I don't recall the author) and I began to believe for the first time that I could be a person of faith and be Gay (the way God made me). I slowly began coming out to friends and some family members, and found most everyone to be very supportive, but most thought I should leave the place I worked since it was religiously oriented and homophobic. My chances of surviving where I was working while becoming openly gay were slim. So I left and went to work in a gay-friendly company, making a lot more money and was able to do a lot of travelling and got great career experience.
And now I have come full circle. Feeling slightly more mature in relationships than I was, and feeling good about myself and who I am, I am now back at my former employer. Why? Well that is for another discussion. But let's say that it really is a great place to work. My current boss is someone I briefly dated years ago, and she is now married and knows I'm gay and is fine with it.
And so at lunch today, I think I ran into just about everyone who has anything to do with both sides of the gay controversy here where I work. One who was responsible for getting another kicked off an international project because he was known to be gay (this made our local newspapers). He wanted to chat and get caught up with me. Another was a friend who is gay but in the closet because of his position in the company, was having lunch with the organizational minister, who also knew me and wanted to get 'caught up'. Another is the only openly gay employee in our organization (he's safe due to union rules) who was merrily having his lunch nearby. And then the President and CEO pass me in the hall and greet me by name. So what, you say? It's hard to describe. Being gay in a place like this is like working under cover for the CIA. Your're on a mission, you know who the good guys and bad guys are, but only your fellow CIA friends know who you really are. I feel like I'm part of some secret organization. It's really weird.
Today I consider myself spiritual, but not religious. I still consider myself a Christian, but I also find truth to be in all the religions. I find Budhism facinating and worthy of study. I even believe there may be something to the fascinating web site www.wingmakers.com. I don't attend church anywhere. But I pray daily, and find that the world all around us is the demonstration of God's grace and beauty and love. Every day life and synchronistic activities remind me that I am spiritual and alive and eternal. My views on faith and God and religion have evolved and expanded since my days of church-going. I am no longer dogmatic and narrow-minded like I used to be. In other words, I have achieved a higher level of spiritual freedom! I no longer feel the burden of having to be right. The Truth is everywhere waiting to be discovered for those who want to find it. I am open to what God and the Universe want to teach me, and I realize I may never have a handle on all truth and I never presume to impose my beliefs on others (like I used to feel obligated to do). If you knew me then and knew me now, you'd see how much nicer of a person I am today!
My ex is getting out of jail in a few days. When I officially came out of the closet about six years ago, I changed jobs and moved to San Francisco to the Castro district (how's that for coming out?). I met a guy on the internet and promptly fell in love. The only problem was that he was a con man, thief, and turns out he has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). GEEZ. How rotten is that? Once I realized what was going on (it took me a while) I made contact with other guys that he had also met (and robbed) on the internet and we started a sort of "fan" club or therapy group of guys that had fallen for this guy (he really is very good, believable, charming, and good at covering up his errors). One day he met a guy in Arizona (he is now part of the fan/therapy group) on the internet, and he up and moves in with the guy. He ultimately got his credit cards ripped off to the tune of $20,000+ and when the boy was returning 'home' the AZ guy had the cops waiting for him. Make a short story longer, he gets arrested, goes to trial and is convicted of fraud and has been serving time for about 4 years. He gets out Sept 1. I had a dream about him the other day and yes I am very anxious that he is getting out. He knows that I was the one who warned the AZ guy about him. Will he come looking for me? Will he want revenge?
Day two of blogging Okay, so I actually registered my site at a couple places so someone might even read this stuff.... It's a strange feeling to know that I write my thoughts as in a journal, but any stranger (or even my mother) could be reading this. Then again, there may be noone reading this.
Phyics. I thought I wanted to study physics. Well I still do actually. I've been reading books on cosmology and physics and decided to enroll in a course in college. I did, and I dropped it already. When I saw the syllabus and the stuff they were going to cover (kinemeatics, centrifigal force and gravity, energy, momentum, ad naseum) I decided 'nahh'. But I need to keep my geeky mind occupied with something, so I'm trying to decide what I'll do for intellectual stimulation. Funny it was right after dropping the class that I started this blogging stuff.
Anyone reading this? I promise it will get more interesting. Right now I'm experimenting and still setting up my page and feeling my way around.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002 :
Today I'm a virgin (again). This is my very first post to blogger and/or the internet. I have to wonder does anyone really read this stuff? Does anybody really care about a "day in the life of a gay man"?
I have no idea what I want to share. Should I share some of the interesting experiences I've had? My story is really quite interesting. Why I was in the closet for so long. How and when I finally came out (although I now work somewhere that might fire me if I published my name and employer here -- HRC I might need you if this goes anywhere). Some of the fascinating jobs I've had, or places I've travelled to, or sexual experiences I've had......
But for now a quick entry, since I am after all, at work. But I feel sort of justified by doing this at work, because I am in the technology business and this is something I should know how to do anyway!
Okay, so to the gay stuff. This past weekend I took a long weekend and visited San Francisco where I lived for a couple of years after I came out of the closet. I lived in the Castro (near 18th and Castro) and made LOT's of friends -- some of which I still have today! I visited with those friends, as well as my 'ex' who happens to be living there although I did not meet him there. This was the first time I've seen my ex since our breakup about 1.5 years ago. It went better than I expected, although I did remember why we broke up. We argued over the stupidist thing. He made a comment about The Lord of the Rings as being a "children's book" and compared it to "Alice and Wonderland." My ex has never read the books or seen the movies but he has his opinions (very strong one's) about these being children's books. Having read the books several times and seen the movie, I have my own opinion that the books are Fantasy and not Children's genre. Anyway, when we got all hot and nasty, I suggested we stop and move onto the next subject, but (having had a little wine?) he just HAD to keep on going....... Ughhhhhh! How sillly it is to get all hot and nasty over such stupid things!?!
So whatever. I'm back in town, back at work, and about ready to leave the office and head on home! To my lovely apartment with a sweeping view of the ocean and my beautiful kitty who loves me dearly.
Formerly "A Day in the life of a Gay Guy", I've changed the name to reflect more of how I'm thinking. Being Gay is not the focal point of my life. I'm a guy with interests like everyone else, I just happen to be Gay.
